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(no subject)  
09:45pm 01/01/2016
I have found love
but I am unsure if I can keep it
For at nights I dream of Paris
the city that loves me
Where I can walk and remember that beauty exists

My lover is a rock
Is tough
And will not move

If I stay I will wither
For the streets of New York are grey and full of broken dreams
And people who are in awe of the unattainable

If I stay in New York I will secretly worhsip
and desire for money
If I am lucky enough to see Paris again
and this time
truly make a life
I know I would be living the dream

I feel dead in New York
I feel paralayzed
I work and pay my rent
then I wake up and do it again

Making art loses its flavor
because nobody will buy it anyway
or is made with the pretense of getting famous
in good old New York fashion

The feeling sits unwell in my belly

In my lover's arms I am at peace
but it does not last
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(no subject)  
03:36am 08/02/2015
     How stupid I must be to still sleep beside a bottle of you
     of mimosa and sweat
     knowing you and I are miles away
    and you do not love me passionately
     I was a girl you fucked
     But hope is a parasite and I am a romantic
     to pleasure oneself is the true freedom
     To pleasure oneself and to be unafraid
      The woman who knows her pleasure is the feminine freed
       She loves herself and in return is loved
       for who she is
      none of this bullshit
     hours in the gym new clothing
    that lifestyle is for people who do not know what to do with their money
    who subscribe to prescriptions of beauty
    I have wasted years of my life
    on this prescription of unhappiness
    and when I was youngest and pure and in love I believed I was ugly
    I poisoned my own relationships
    through my perceptions
    through my lack of love
    On some days I think of all the stupid bitches
    who appear on my facebook feed
    with children
    it is another prescription
    Do your husbands give you pleasure
    never bored for a moment
    faithful, they must be
    unlike me
   I was not meant for prescriptions
   Sometimes people see me and they pity me
   but I pity them
  arent people your age getting married?
they say
 they marry
 get fat
  and go to the gym
don't pity me
 I may have no ring
  but I have a dildo
  And I know how to use it
  I may have no husband to pay the bills
  but I have a masters degree that I earned myself
  I may have no children to kiss goodnight
  But I give birth to new ideas everyday and on some days,
the things I see in my dreams
 are made in the flesh
  displayed against white washed gallery walls
  I weep on some days
  for all the men and women I have loved and lost
   I weep for the silence that they leave behind
  The only way to be happy is to seek pleasure
   and live unashamed
  Time will not destroy your enemies
   but time will help you forget
   And life will teach you,
    that the only person worth knowing is yourself
   this is the only way to be
   and true in this world
   Everyone else you meet
   from the moment of your awakening
   will either fail or pass the test
   you will merely look into their eyes
   and know that they are bullshit
  I have no time for bullshit
   I have no time for haters
   I have already wasted my life on worrying about what they think
 I have no time for bitches who insult me
  but secretly burn with jealousy
   for I am the feminine freed
   I have no chains.
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(no subject)  
12:44am 03/04/2014
On this evening
for once
I listen to songs and imagine nobody
just the ideals of things and glimpses of old memories
strung together on yarn
different faces
The realization that all the people I knew or loved
I will be home again one day
The realization that this will not necessarily make me less lonely
All I do is work in the studio
The convent of art making
hoping one day I will finally make the piece that will save me from my never-ending quest for love
The realization that the attainment of acceptance is the ultimate death of art
Experimenting day after day
Bearing my soul
my body
And to watch people shit on it
on some days it functions as somebody's salvation
on other days they take it for themselves and I am worried I will never have anything better
The realization that I must keep to myself
The realization that people sometimes befriend you then secretly walk on you
secretly are your truer enemies
The realization that you have everything and nothing simultaneously
The realization that you are alive in the moments that it hurts
The realization that yes, I will not stop until I win
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heavy dancing  
04:04pm 09/03/2014
    your memory on a day of rest
    after a night of dancing on the caribbean
    lost in the bodies
    self conscious of my lack of freedom from my body

    and I remember
    I am flying
    riding on the sunset
    everything is new
    filled with your memory
    lorsque je vivais loin de vous
    toujours triste , toujours en larmes
     as I write it has almost been a year
     I have made roads to see you again
     from you
     only silence

     The heart of the woman that loves
     worth a try
     I am naked

     I am moving
     I am waiting for you to remember
     I am calling
     Deep is the night
     I am still calling you

    our last dance
    spinning in your arms
    romance potent
    or so i thought
     blowing kisses as you wave goodbye

    it is always a goodbye
    in my fairytale

    where love is quick
   and I am lost between dreams of art
   where do i truly belong
    who will love me now?

    My art has made me alive
   my art has made me lonely
   yet alive.

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Home sick  
04:53pm 01/02/2014
    I miss home. My cats. My bed. Every month feels like 2 years and every deadline feels like the end of the world. I hope all this hard work will pay off. There are fleeting moments of happiness and contentment that I find within the day. I am happy for that. I have been working on a project where I experimented with rolling knitted crystal polymers into glass in order to make it stronger. The thread was used in the Mars Rover and is said to be 5x stronger than steel. My experiments failed and it was very much in the spirit of the alchemists during the time of the Enlightenment.

     Failure. There is a certain choreography to it. A release. An art.

     When I get home I will sleep and get massages and read fiction. One year away....
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(no subject)  
06:45am 09/10/2013
Could there have been a love between us
dark and deep like morning coffee

Could there be a life as lonely
as a man's life surrendered to study
lost in the words of others
seeking new voices through the dead

To start over is to win and to fail
all at once
to risk nothing is bland
to risk everything is pain

no warmth
i asked for help and was denied
by the sweet librarian
a man
helps me carry my things
he is on crack
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(no subject)  
08:48pm 18/08/2013
tonight i weep with the rain

for all love that was, is and gone

there is nothing greater
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(no subject)  
08:37pm 14/08/2013
      It was said that Coltrane spent ten years in a long apprenticeship, learning the language of jazz before creating his masterpiece, A Love Supreme. His understanding of the technique, was said to have allowed him to think of higher things. It is my impatience that can kill my creativity at this point. I am home. I performed in Thailand, on a new venture in glass and music which was first introduced to me by a jazz musician named Adam who lived in the Citè. It did not feel ridiculous at all but my fear holds me back.

     I have been a glass apprentice for four years, yet I feel I still lack the technique to profess to be some sort of specialist.  I just want to personalise everything now, and keep things authentic. I only want to make what feels good but a part of me knows that the pain of practice is what will turn me into a master. What classifies a true master? Must visual mastery always embody da Vinci? Some deep voice in me screams no but the romantic in me can't help but look for this pain.

      I no longer want to create things I can see in this world.
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11:40pm 08/07/2013
  i was not as smart as she

   or he

    or maybe you

  you insulted me

  i went home


  by the fact that

  i can always pick up a book

   get educated

  you will always be a bitter soul

  picking on the girl from the island faraway

    the world is so imbalanced


   is the biggest show of my life

 it always is


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07:32pm 07/06/2013
tags: happiness
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January 2016  

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