The Quest for Rabbit Mountain

06:59pm 30/10/2011

Eureka! The secret of happiness is to live with a fine line between work and play. Eureka! Eureka! Now to be a child forever, but only through work. What a fantastic way to stay in Neverland, Eureka! Eureka!

mood:

chipper

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Things I'm learning
		05:10am 16/09/2011
	1) Manila is a small place. And it is not the world. 2) Life goes on. Gotta live my own life. Screw being a house wife. I can't wait for marriage to fall into my lap. Maybe I am meant for a different path. I love my boyfriend but we will never live together because we are artists. No money. But who needs it? There can be love with no marriage, with no house, with no kids. There can be love across the seas. There can be love and understanding with no words. There can be love despite hardship. I believe the pressures of the middle class Filipino life style drive me to insecurity and to desire things. 3) I sometimes know more than my mom. 4) You only need 3 changes of clothes to survive in this world. Therefore, when I get home I will sell all the beautiful belongings I have kept and treasured. All the Topshop bullshit I bought because I felt like it made me more acceptable. Clothes, shoes, electric guitar, knick knacks. I used to feel insecure for choosing to be who I am in a city full of pretension. I need all the money I can to buy my glass materials. Time to give up more for my art. It will be hard, but I know that it will make this lifetime worth living. I see myself with a little store beside my studio. Glass.Sculptures. Drawings. Doesn't matter where in the world. To love is to let go. I will always and forever love my country, my boyfriend, my friends and my family. But if I attach myself to them I will never improve my skills. I will never learn. The bubble is a bad place to be in because you halllucinate happiness and depression. The bubble is a bad place to be in because people sing the same songs everyday and drive you to do things you never imagined you would do, just to break the fucking monotony. In the end, when we die, we will not take our clothes and things with us. We will only have the lives we live, the people we knew, and the reputation we make. In my epitaph, I want to be known as the girl who lived in spiritual freedom and beauty. I want to be known as the girl who created masterpieces and was never afraid to break free from the cages that bind our society. Perhaps, I am going crazy on this island. But perhaps it is the other way around and i am actually, in fact, becoming sane.
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Away
		04:41am 13/09/2011
	It is beautiful here. The light hits the earth like nothing I have ever seen. I saw you in the crowd of passing tourists. You shouted my name and told me I looked too thin. "Have you been eating, hon?" , you asked in the most loving way. I breathe in the dry air and acknowledge my solitude. I am alone. I am hungry. I am tired. I am getting by. So this is what it is like to live alone. To have old dirty men tell you about your race, and to invite you to dinner because they expect you to be desperate for money. So this is what its like to have nobody to lean on when you feel like fainting and you can't carry your bags. So this is what its like to feel like being discriminated in a world full of white men. People get scandalized by matted up smelly dogs, wait til they see the matted up smelly humans in my country. So this is what its like to turn away, to turn a blind eye and just pretend that didn't just happen, that you aren't a Filipina in a foreign land. Despite all hardship and loneliness and fear for my life , I have never been this happy. I am free. I am an explorer. I have no name, no home and no face. I left you all behind, I left all the shit I messed up behind, but I know that I needed it. I needed every rush and every exciting moment of escape. And, now, I know. I want to be a glassblower. Every day I am convinced, of the making of my molecules, and the makings of glass and fire. Fuck home, Fuck my problems. How good it feels to say that for once in my fucking life. Fuck my past. Fuck everyone. Time for me. Time for my fucking life. An artists starves at least once in their life. And now, I know. And I don't give a fuck. I would rather be starving and free than in a bubble of greed, and materialism and false happiness. Fuck all that.
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Fate

12:20pm 03/09/2011

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.

When you want something with all you heart that is when you are closest to the Soul of the World"

-Paulo Coelho

     Two years ago I wrote about Scuola Abate Zanetti in this journal. Today I am filled with infinite gratitude for the universe, my parents and all my friends and professors who gave me words of encouragement and told me to believe that this could be a reality.

     I posted that quote of Paulo Coelho on my Stickie notes and it has been there for two years. I would read it and wish it were true and today I share this quote with you because I am certain that it is. After constant searching through several schools, emailing, pleading and stressful rejections and applications, the universe has finally said yes.

     I cannot help but feel emotional. I cannot help but cry. Nothing in my life has ever felt like this. It was all a rush and I can't believe that this is actually happening. It feels like a dream.

      11 years ago I went to Italy and I came back and knew in my heart that I wanted to be an artist. I was telling my boyfriend last night that the juju from my last trip there lasted me 11 years. It changed my life, and affected all my life choices since.

      After getting my BFA, I admit that the life of a Fine Artist has proved to be not what I expected. Those close to me can attest to the several bouts of depression and doubt that I've been in an out of the past few years. The Gods know I try my best.

     My parents never wanted me to take Studio Arts. But if you follow what you love, I know that no matter what hardship you must go through on the way, the universe will take care of you. If you want things bad enough, and devote your life to the slow an steady process of getting where you want to get, you WILL get there. And it will feel like the best thing in the whole wide world.

      For most of my life my biggest dream has been to study art abroad. It took me 8 years of hard work to get 1 week of this wish. My plane leaves at 2:00 am tonight. I have not been anywhere by myself and this will be the first time. This is the happiest day of my life.


   Thank you , thank you, thank you Universe. Thank you so much.

mood:

grateful

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(no subject)
		04:01pm 06/07/2011
	Just moved here. Will still visit though! :)
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Mother mary comes to me
		09:26pm 14/06/2011
	My soul is old, like the depths of rock and roll. A sad song, like a gust of wind drifts in my ears and I am reminded of the many colorful adventures of my youth. I remember the passion. I remember the risk. I remember you and what we shared and I remembered my soul. Dear, dear reggae. Mess with my nerves again. Call me to you bosom. Something is about to go down. Nobody has to know of the fire that stirs in your soul.
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Things that inspire me.
		10:17am 13/06/2011
	I want to read this guy's blog: http://thesunishotterhere.blogspot.com/ He won a scholarship. I need to do this. This week I wrote a detailed life plan. I want to make a masterpiece. But of course there are many levels that I must cross before I get there. I am now thinking realistically about this. The sick and slow pace of the improving of my skills as an artist is driving me into a state of red hot agitation. Shake me once, shake me twice and I break. I am fragile like the crust of the earth. I had a dream about Empire Records. I was working in a record shop that sells CDs. 1,2,3,4,5,6. "Yes, that record is a great one. "You will definitely want to buy that one." I flirt with my customers and they buy 10 CDs. I fucking miss the 90s. I miss being a rebel without a cause, fighting for ideals in a society that I do no even know the realities of yet. I miss living a life of searching for what feels good and for experiences that help me learn. I miss places. I miss people. I miss my aunt.
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(no subject)

04:01am 12/06/2011

What is the concept of aesthetically perfect and will I ever attain it?

I do not have fun anymore. I used to enjoy making art but now I do not. Because I think my work is not perfectly rendered.

It is not realistic.

mood:

aggravated

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(no subject)
		09:41am 06/06/2011
	I was never really conscious of the things I eat until I got food poisoning last week. I got it from an egg I ate served with instant noodles. Slowly I am starting to see the poor condition of the health and food system in Marikina. I think everyone deserves to be healthy and eat the right food. Its sad that well balanced meals have become a luxury in this area. People can eat 20 peso meals made of all things artificial and fried in various ways. Vegetables in the grocery look dubious. In food courts in Riverbanks, trash cans are tables as well. On CNN they predicted that organic farming will be the next big business trade. I hope that is true for our country as well. Lahat ng tao may karapatan sa kalusugan. It is my dream to put up a food hall that serves fresh produce and healthy meals. A nice place to eat the meal would be nice too. Alas, I do not have the capital and the knowledge for such a thing at the moment.
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Hibernation
		06:06pm 25/05/2011
	Sweet sweet hibernation. I deserve you, demnet! But after seeing this from feral-kid.com I feel like getting back to work because I have a long way to go before I can achieve this level of intimacy with figures. My little brother proves to be an infinite resource of illustration goodies. Makes me want to try green under paint with a blue second layer. Anyway, thanks for those who came to my exhibit opening. Especially those who came because of seeing the invites I posted here. Amazing! Some documentation over at www.liongorengallery.com My heart goes out to my girlfriends (male and female) and the amazing liongoren gallery team ♡ You are in my thoughts.
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	sneaker_kitty
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